R.I.P. Turtle

Ok, let me try to explain this. Sorry for its length.

Yesterday I pulled out of my driveway the way I usually do. By backing up.

I am backing up my car and as I turn the wheel I hear a SNAP......so I'm thinking I just ran over a piece of trash or something...thinking I may have gotten a flat tire or something....so I pull forward. I look in my rear view mirror and I see this fucking TURTLE.....crawling away.

I knew it was bad though. I knew the snap I heard was its shell cracking....and as it crawls away it leaves a trail of wetness staining the road.


This is not a HUGE turtle...but it is big enough to still live after I drive over it with a car. I know it wouldn't live for long though because it was so fucked up. I sit and wonder what the hell I should do to end its misery. Should I drive over it again? What if it doesn't die? By the time I was done thinking about what I should do it stopped crawling and just stood still. So I think, "Oh good.....its finally dead....no more suffering."

It was really fucked up. the shell punctured its guts. So I feel like such trash. I drive off and begin calling people because I have no idea what to do about a dead turtle in the middle of the road. I'm not about to pick it up with all its guts spilling out and shit.....I am feeling too grossed out and guilty to do anything rational at this point. So i call my mommy to ask her what I should do about a dead turtle. Then i call my neighbors to look out for the dead turtle in the middle of the road. "I'll take care of it."

I go to the bank before it closes....then I go to the post office before it closes....a couple hours later I return and I notice its not in the road. So I think, "Oh good. It was picked up."

I walk over to where I hit it and notice there is an egg with yolk spilling out of it. The turtle was a mommy. I killed a turtle and now I have yolk to think about. My neighbor pulls up in their bus and when I ask them if they picked up the turtle they say no. Then they drive away and I look at the wet trail......it leads to the side of the road where I see the turtle at the bottom of a hill sitting in the grass. still...alive. Can't do shit....but its still alive. So I am like what the fuck. What...the fuck...do I do?? I then go to my neighbors house to see if the guy is there so he can shoot it with his gun. They have all these murder weapons next door........and dixie flags....its so comforting.

the men of the house are gone. I am instructed to bury the turtle before it "starts smelling up the place." I call people I know to get their opinions. I start taking pictures of everything on my sidekick to show a friend what I am dealing with. She tells me I just need to put it out of its misery. "Kill it with a shovel" seemed to be everyone's mantra. So I go in the garage to get the shovel.

I stand next to the turtle with the shovel.....its intestines are stretched out behind it like speghetti. The head is sticking WAY out...like it's trying to escape its shell somehow. I stare at the turtle...stare at the shovel.......grip the shovel harder....think about what I am about to do and I just can't do it. What if it doesn't die? What if I swing the shovel down and just hurt it more? I can't deal with that. So I start thinking about the fireworks I have in my house...but the 'dixie dynamite' (seriously....dynamite I bought in South Carolina called 'Dixie Dynamite') might not be powerful enough for a sure kill. Then I realize I need to chop its head off. That's the only sure way. So i go get my sword.

I earned my black belt when i was 17 or so, and with the black belt came a Katana sword. It was a very traditional school, and even though I stopped training a few years ago I keep all my martial arts material in my closet. I have never used the sword....but I think this is the time to break it out. This turtle deserves an honorable death after all I have done to it.

So I go get the sword. I go to the turtle and get down on one knee. I give my sword a couple practice swings aiming it at the extended neck. I can't watch as I do it though....so i close my eyes and sword comes swooping down. CHOP! Fuckin.........I chopped the fucking turtle in HALF.

I didn't chop the neck. I chopped through the shell. And this thing is STILL ALIVE. The head is moving all about now.....mouth opening and closing.....head retracting back into what is left of the shell (and the shell is cut so short that I can actually see parts of the turtle coming out of the back of what's left of the shell when the head retracts.)

well i am just about to throw up now. I can't believe I chopped it in half and it is still moving and acting as if it is alive. Sure...maybe it was just nerves....but I am telling you, this thing was opening and closing its mouth like "WHAAT THEEE FUUUUUUUUUCK! YOU FUCKING SHIT BAG...HOW MUCH PAIN ARE YOU GOING TO CAUSE ME???"

So I grab the shovel and smash it down on the turtle. i smash it down. I think, "This has to be it....this has to fucking kill it." SMASH!!! It appears to be finally dead.

I wrap its parts up in some t-shirts, dig a hole in my yard and bury it. I grab a piece of the asphalt and make a tombstone out of it. I say a prayer of apology. I vow to protect turtles if I ever see one again.